Communication

When is the right time? Unfortunately, there isn’t one specific age that fits everyone — the best moment is simply when both people are ready and feel comfortable. A key point is being able to talk openly before the first time and trust each other. A good rule of thumb is to try having sex with yourself (masturbate) before involving someone else — otherwise it can be hard to know what you like!

There’s both societal pressure to start having sex early, but not too early — yet also not too late! And definitely not with too many people or just anyone! When it comes to sex, you’ll find endless opinions on what is “right or wrong,” but the only thing that truly matters is that you feel happy and at peace with your own choices.

This is your life, and you have full control over important matters like this. No one has the right to judge or shame you for your sex life — whether, when, or with whom you've had sex, or how many partners you've had.

You can’t tell by looking at someone whether they’ve had sex or not. So words like "pure" or "impure" have no place in conversations. No one becomes impure or worth less because they have sex. Sex is natural, wonderful, and good for everyone who wants it.

Losing your virginity is also kind of a silly concept — why should you be “losing” something when you have sex for the first time? If that’s how your first experience feels, then something’s off about that sexual encounter.

If you’re about to have sex for the first time, it’s totally okay to tell the other person — it might ease your stress and worry about "performing well" — but you’re absolutely not obligated to say anything!

Communication is the number 1 most important thing in sex. It’s always happening – Before sex, during sex, and after sex.

• Before: Do you want to do this? What do you want to do? What do you enjoy in sex?
• During: Does this feel good? Are you okay? Is anything uncomfortable or painful? Do you want to switch it up? Do you want to keep going / start again? Do you want to stop?
• After: What did you enjoy? What could have been better? Did anything bother you? Is this something you’d want to do again?

If the person you're having sex with wants to stop, or even just seems disinterested, it's your responsibility to pause and check in. It’s always okay to take a five-second break and say, “Are you okay?” or “Do you want to keep going?”

A person who is unconscious cannot answer these questions and therefore cannot consent to sex! That includes someone who is asleep or under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

There is no specific rule, like having to ask every five minutes, but it does involve being able to read your partner.

• Are they showing interest or just lying there motionless?
• Are you sensing discomfort or lack of engagement?

Being aware of the person you're with makes it easy to pause and check in. If you feel like you can’t do that, your communication as partners isn't good enough.

It’s also a smart idea to always ask before doing something new, like changing positions or switching to oral sex. Don’t assume someone is always up for everything — whether you’ve done it before or not. A “yes” yesterday or last week doesn’t mean “yes” tonight or always.

Nagging or pressure is coerced consent, and that does not count as real consent.

If someone says “no,” “not tonight,” “I want something else,” or similar – you are obligated to respect that and leave them alone. Consent should come naturally and be freely given.

It’s important to understand that consent can be withdrawn at any time! If someone said yes but now says no, or seems uninterested, you must respect that.

Consent also applies in online interactions. Pictures can be fun and sexy if both people trust each other and are willing to send and receive them. Note that wanting to receive a picture is just as important as wanting to send one.

An unsolicited picture of genitals is a form of sexual violence.

Be considerate and don’t send unsolicited pictures. Also, you must not share a picture of someone else unless you have their permission. That’s illegal.

According to the law, it’s also illegal to send sexually explicit images of anyone under 18 years old – this falls under child protection laws.

The bottom line: Always be cautious when sharing pictures, and make sure the person receiving them is trustworthy.

Boundaries vary between people but are generally defined as lines you don’t want others to cross. You can have boundaries with a partner, family, friends, and more.

• I don’t want to have sex.
• I feel uncomfortable when we talk about this.
• I don’t want you to talk to me or treat me this way.

Our boundaries can change from day to day, but they are one of the most important things to respect in any interaction with others! If you cross someone else’s boundaries, or someone crosses yours, it can be considered abuse. This can range from uncomfortable comments to groping or even rape.

Abuse can be:

• Physical (hitting or harming someone),
• Sexual (forcing someone into sexual acts),
• Digital (online abuse), or
• Emotional.

Emotional abuse is unfortunately not uncommon in close relationships, especially romantic ones. So, what does emotional abuse look like in relationships?

If you have experienced abuse or believe you are in an unhealthy relationship, it’s always best to start talking about it. Maybe you can’t discuss it with your partner — in that case, it’s important to talk to someone close to you whom you trust: family, friends, or a teacher.

There are also professionals who can help:

• The Red Cross – online chat and helpline: 1717
• Drekaslóð: 551-5511
• Bergið Headspace: 571-5580
• Women's Counseling – free social services: 552-1500
• Women’s Shelter – phone counseling: 561-1205
• Bjarkarhlíð: 553-3000
• Aflið (Akureyri)
• Sólstafir (Ísafjörður)
• Municipal Social Services
• Child Protection Services